According to Thomas

I’ve struggled for a long time with trying to justify my writing. What purpose does it serve? And I have been ugly to myself in a lot of ways, never answering my own query in kind.  But just the other day by chance my on again off again lover, healer, friend, Jesus comes to me dressed up as the Gnostic Christ and says

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

Yass.

I feel free to channel the weirdest of shit now because it’s time

to

Lip Synch for your Life!

Re-earthing

‘

I spent the last 3, hell 5 years trying to be something I’m not. No regrets, really. I learned a lot. It’s just that I found myself climbing up a ladder I didn’t need to simply because I could.

And in the climb I let go of some things, some integral things. I traded my substance for lightness because I had become addicted to the feel of rung after rung.

At first it was exhilarating. The view, the feeling of the breeze.

But as I shed more and more of myself the lightness turned to a sort of breathlessness

and in the thinning air I began to wonder where

Was I going?

What was I after?’

——-

The ground felt heavy and humbling after being away for so long.

But soon I realized I was surrounded by the sprouted seeds of all the things I had dropped.  It was me again but fresh and juicy and only the parts I wanted waiting to be cherry picked and put back on in new combinations like timeless vintage couture.

What glorious rummage!

What fabulous finds!

It had not been a total waste after all.

 

 

Page of Cups

It says “Sheng xu yi” mon ami

and It means anything

from

Lift a pint in a painted town

to

Push through false walls

or maybe just

Raise the proverbial roof

So_x drink me Alice

or did you already?

btw, The x is incorrect

The Joyous Fellowship

58>13

The party started at the lake house. The guests kept streaming in – ideas and germs mingling in the mist and music of conversational tones flowed overhead. But as the night progressed and an organic process sent the tired home, the remaining ones gathered round a fire to discuss something much bigger. Weeded of the uncommitant, this band of heaven’s dreamers came up with slogans and logos to brand their new sense of togetherness. Images worth burning ___ (pick a preposition)

“Let’s stay up late and listen to music…

…Let’s listen to songs, the kind that remind you of the time you drove out of the city to look at stars with a boy and nothing turned out the way you thought it would because that’s the nature of dreams.

The moment you get your bearings, you fall through a wall”

Prog. Moon 0′- Cap

The unit of a day is beyond over.

It’s about layer after layer now

Every moment a tableau

to interpret, draped

over the little wiggles of whatever came out of the seed;

These are times.

————————–

Personal notes:

My digestion has changed

Food has become a necessary bother.

I fell off my skateboard and bought a business

and a gray sweatshirt.

My joints hurt

s’okay

My plan is coming together,

Man man lai.

How high will I climb?

The transcendental object at the end of history

Oh my god, it’s so overcast, I bet this is exactly what happens right before I die. You know that’s the kind of sense of humor the universe has, it would totally ruin my death fantasy.

You have a death fantasy?

Yeah, Oh and I was trying to tell Sunanda about it the other day and she just tore it apart and argued me.

Wait, I want to hear your death fantasy.

Yeah, yeah, I want to stare into the sun and stuff and I was telling her about it and she starting getting on my case about the little details, like I said I would have someone wheel me out and she interrupts me to be all ‘why can’t you just walk outside’

How is that going to kill you?

I know right! No wait, what? What are you asking?

How will staring into the sun make you die?

No, that’s not the cause of death that’s just the very last thing I want to do, like right when I know I’m going to die. You know how when you were a kid and people said “Don’t stare into the sun, you’ll go blind” or did anyone ever say that to you?

Yeah, sure.

Well, I always wanted to do that. Their severe warning piqued my curiosity and then it kind of became a thing, you know.  I thought that would be awesome. So if I’m going to die, like I know I’m just about to go, well then I won’t need my eyes anymore, so I can do that and be done and…

I always thought you were such an in the moment kind of person and here you are with this perfectionist worry about your last moment being ruined by cloud cover, I love it!

Well, so then after a bunch of stupid little arguments she finally lets me get the whole thing out and you know what she says?

What?

She says “What if while your staring in the sun right before you go blind you see something really terrible and that’s the real reason they told you not to do it?” and I’m like “What, like what?” and shes all “I dunno, like aliens. Yeah, aliens start coming out to destroy the world or ooo they’re already pouring out destroying the world and we just can’t see them and you’re powerless to do anything about it because you’re blind and nearly dead?”

I can totally see that as the transcendental object at the end of your personal history.

Gee, thanks.

It’s like…

“I can’t keep up, I can’t keep liking this ex-ploce of like like like.”

She writes under a self depict in yin sanpaku.

Don’t like.

¿What Does It Mean?

Oh the one from this morning, I can’t tell you the whole thing, just that…there was a wet suit.

What about the one from yesterday?

Oh yeah, that one was at the coffee shop only it was at a different coffee shop. All the people from ours but we were at that other one downtown… in the building.

And?

…We were at [a coffee shop] sitting at a table, the two of us…

And?

He said “Who’s that guy at the register? Is that that Scorpio guy?” There was a guy looking at us from the far end by the register. So, I said “yeah, I’d rather talk to a Scorpio guy.” Got up and left. I made a half oval shaped turn around the room going about as fast as I like to ride when we go to the Mounts pass, you know the soft decline right in the middle and how it picks up but not too much?

Get on with it?

I’m at the register and he says “Who’s that?” pointing at Magic Man.

No!

Yes, it’s one of those back and forth pattern plays. He says “Is he a dot dot dot you know what – guy?”

Then what?

I said “Yeah, I’d rather be with a you know blank” and zoomed around the other way back to the table. I look him deeply in the eyes, he had a r –

BREAK – One time I wrote a story about sexual desire and a man tried to use it as -evidence that I had done the same as he slash to justify his own behaviors – Fuckwad – Can’t a girl just write a story, fuck – You’d left me little choice – ENDBREAK

–

-it turned black. A boy approached, he had a red shirt, his name was?

Yes, Him, he was in my dream too.

He sat down and so did Zeeeee…

Don’t tell me Zeeroys back.

Na, it was that other girl, the one that hangs out there.

Ja, I know her.

¿Soooo Doktor – dotdotdot?

You Know That Feeling?

 

 

“Day or night, Shota?”

“What?”

“We’re trying to decide, day or night?”

“Night.”

“He’s right.”

He smiles like, yeah they think I’m right

I’ll leave you with this: You know that feeling when you have to sneeze and then you don’t?